Being carried through a loss

I was doing some spring cleaning on Friday and I came across some stuff which brought back memories. Painful memories. It wasn't something that I think about everyday but the thoughts go to that distant place every once in a while. 

It was over fourteen years ago and I was thirteen weeks pregnant. My hubby and I were super excited. We already had names planned for it. We couldn't wait! Then early one January morning, I woke up with a coughing fit. It did not want to stop. Then I had one spell where I gave a big cough and sat up in bed from it. At that very moment, I felt something. I hurried to the bathroom and saw blood. I couldn't believe it! We hastened to get ready and went to the Health Department where I was a patient at that time. They took me in and I went through the check ups. They listened for heartbeat and found none. When they took an ultrasound, their suspicions were confirmed. The foetus had died. We were devastated. I was in shock. My husband and I held each other and cried. My life felt as if it was crumbling in front of me. 

We shared the news with others. Some gave sympathetic understandings and many put us in their prayers. On the other hand, we had someone told us it happened for a reason. Yes, we know that but that is not what one wants to hear the very first hour the news was received. We were just trying to cope with the devastation.

The next day, I was scheduled to have a D&C. I was scared, heartbroken and somehow felt alone. I felt as if even my hubby couldn't comfort me enough. I know he was hurting too and he did his best to help me. He did all that he could do. When they put me in the OR and started to sedate me, the doctor was by my side. He was so caring and talked to me gently. His eyes were compassionate. I was scared to death. I didn't want it to be true- that they were going to remove the remains of my baby from inside of me. The last thing I remember before I was put to sleep was the feel of the doctor's hand holding mine. He had given it a squeeze. I felt this comforting presence by me. I firmly believe that it was the Lord using the doctor to reassure me. It was a feeling I cannot explain. I felt as if God had said it was going to be all right and that I should trust Him. I didn't feel as if the doctor was by my side but rather the Lord. It may sound strange but you have to experience to understand.

After the surgery, I had to cope with not being pregnant anymore. It was very hard for me. I was going through depression from the loss. The days turned into weeks and then months. Life had to go on. I had to come to terms with reality again. Our church members prayed constantly for us. I even received mail from those who took care of my needs at the hospital. I still have that mail today. It was a booklet for coping with miscarriage. There was a wonderful note attached to it. It is special to me because it reminded me that there were people out there who cared for me. 

As time went by we tried for another child. Due to an immunization I was given, I couldn't get pregnant for three months so we had to wait. We tried and was disappointed month after month. Then one day, our hearts were lifted up when we discovered that I was finally pregnant. God has shown us what He could do. We had a beautiful baby girl. This coming week, she would turn 13. She is a joy to be around. I can never stop thanking God for carrying me through that depression and turning my sorrow into joy. I know she is not a replacement for the child we lost. We are going to see that child in Heaven one day. In the meantime, I can sing praises for a God who gives me strength to carry on and for the continued blessings in my life.